Xander's Film Registry: Failure is too an Option!

Once again, folks, I have grown incredibly tired of the stupidity of the world around me, and we all know what that means: it's time for more admissions to the not-so-elite XFR hall of fame! (Commence applause and/or booing now.)

As promised, today's entry is dedicated to films that failed to find substantial paying audiences in their initial theatrical releases-- known rather closed-mindedly as "flops." Sometimes, a movie flops because it was released behind the curve (case in point, almost any musical from 1967-1969). Others, it was simply too expensive to make back the money it cost to make it (c.i.p., Cleopatra). Yet sometimes there is absolutely no reason why the film should have failed; in fact, they should have succeeded (c.i.p., Serenity-- where were all the people who begged and pleaded for that movie to be made?!)

So today, we focus on five films that were financial disasters but are actually quite pleasant to watch. Enjoy.

Sweet Charity (1969)-- Irony is huuuuuuuge and blunt in this musical dud based on a Neil Simon play, in turn based on a 1957 Fellini movie. It's the story of a woman named Charity Hope Valentine (see the irony?) whose entanglements with the opposite sex-- a shady gangster, an Italian movie star (played by Ricardo Montalban-- "Khan" to all you Trek fans), and a wacked-out, highly phobic insurance employee-- all end badly. And we're talking sitcom-date badly. In spite of being a major chick flick, this actually has a lot of appeal because it appears right on the border between the pre-60s era and the counterculture movement. Especially enjoyable is a scene with Sammy Davis Jr. as the leader of a weirdo hippie cult with a commandment forbidding the use of marijuana. Visually, there are some bewildering choices made by director Bob Fosse (like the freeze-framing), but it works more often than not.

Dragonslayer (1981)-- Ralph Richardson lends a much-needed touch of Shakespearean dignity to this gory fantasy, which plays out a little bit like a Tim Burton adaptation of a Tolkien story with Roman Polanski as a visual consultant. It's the quintessential dragon fantasy, with superstitious villagers terrorized by the huge lizard but skirting repetitive large-scale disasters by appeasing the dragon with the occasional virgin sacrifice. For 1981, the special effects are outstanding, and that awesome, awesome music you'll hear is by none other than Alex North (Spartacus, Cleopatra). Plus, be on the lookout for Ian "Emperor Palpatine" McDiarmid.

Legend (1985)-- Most fantasy movies released in the 80s flopped-- but not the nauseating, supremely obnoxious Neverending Story-- and it's easy to imagine why this one did: bad performances, stylistic excesses that scream Eighties!!!!, and Tim Curry with huge rubber horns that bounce around when he runs. But the film is by far one of the most imaginitive ever made, and the European director's cut-- which features 25 extra minutes, plus the replacement of Tangerine Dream's bizarre score with a more appropriate, entertaining orchestral one by Jerry Goldsmith-- is particularly good. It's all about a plot to take over the world by killing the unicorns, the guardians of light. Sometimes thinly veiled allegories are priceless.

Howard the Duck (1986)-- There goes any chance I ever would have had to be taken seriously as a film critic, but hear me out. Widely criticized as one of the worst movies ever made, this George Lucas-produced Marvel adaptation casts eight actors and puppeteers as Howard, an abrasive, vice-riddled drake from a planet similar to Earth, but with ducks instead of people. Pulled to Earth against his will, Howard is forced to contend with forces beyond his ken to (a) get home and (b) defeat the Dark Overlord of the Universe. Along the way, he meets and befriends Beverly (Back to the Future's Lea Thompson), a struggling punk singer who sees in him a kindred spirit, oddly enough. It's not exactly a romance they share, although that seems to be most people's impression. And contrary to popular belief, there is no human/duck sex in the movie. Whew! People make this movie sound like a porno, but it's really just a campy sci-fi action adventure fantasy that should never be taken seriously. It is based on a comic book, after all. A little lightness is good, lest the film descend into the pitch-black entrapment of The Dark Knight, which is waaaaaaay too serious for its own good.

Alexander (2004)-- The first thing people criticize about this movie is the accents. Alexander the Great and Hephaistion speak with Irish brogue, and Angelina Jolie speaks with some kind of weird unidentifiable Slavic accent. But, people, if they're gonna speak English anyway, what does it matter? Romeo and Juliet is set in Italy, but everyone in it has English accents! Also, Jolie is doing an accent that's actually appropriate in a way because it reflects where her character is from. Second criticism: the dialogue, which sounds heavy and clunky to 21st-century audiences. Well, duh! It's exactly the same dialect used in the great epics of yesteryear, like Ben-Hur and Cleopatra! It may be a misfire, but it's well-intentioned and helps give the movie the atmosphere it needs. Third criticism: Colin Farrell's hair. Ummm... whoooooo cares? Unlike Troy, released in the same year, Alexander doesn't consist of creaky, glossy revisionism to make its star look manlier (yes, Brad Pitt, I'm hatin' on you, destroyer of Achilles!) Anyway, Alexander causes enough blood geisers to make up for anything else. Plus, even a performance by the great Peter O'Toole couldn't save Troy-- Alexander has Christopher Plummer and Anthony Hopkins! Oh, snap! And the best version of all is the "Final Cut" released on DVD in 2007, which runs at 214 minutes (longer than Spartacus) and features the most complete, clear telling of the story.

So there you have it. Not every financial flop is a bad movie. And not every success is a good movie (um, has anyone seen Titanic?)

Next time, the anti XFR: ten films you should avoid seeing at all costs!