Xander's Film Registry Continued: Where Evil Lurks

Hey, folks. It just occurred to me that this is the 75th post on Xander Candor. That's kind of like a milestone, or so it seems, so I want to do something special for it. On my last Film Registry post, I promised that when I went back to the Registry, I would create its opposite number-- a sort of "hall of shame" (forgive the cliche) in which would dwell the most insipid and poorly executed films of all time, movies to avoid at all costs. I managed to coalesce the overt hideousness in the annals of cinema into a list of eleven-- ten seemed just a tad inadequate, as there is a tie for the #1 spot, which is really no great honor. Let me begin by saying I salute filmmakers with the courage to make nothing out of something. But if you're not trying to make a piece of trash... where do you go wrong anyway? Previous Registry entries have been in chronological order; this list is presented as a countdown. Enjoy the list; avoid the movies.

10) Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)
I thought it would be one of those so-bad-it's-amazing cult wonders, like Howard the Duck and The Apple. But it's not. Every negative word against this "film" is correct and appropriate. Everyone herein renders Beatles tunes fairly capably (the soundtrack is pleasant to hear), but the imagery and personalities are so grating that the music means nothing. The characters live in a bland middle American town called Heartland, USA and lead their bland lives, except for the Lonely Hearts Club Band, who must rescue Heartland from the insidious FVB (Future Villain Band-- the writer was not very clever or subtle). There's a character named Strawberry Fields (guess what her big song is?) and a band called Lucy and the Diamonds. I have always liked Julie Taymor's Across the Universe. But seeing how bad a Beatles jukebox musical could be made me love it even more.

9) Forrest Gump (1994)
Sorry, folks, I don't see the attraction. Tom Hanks is not at fault for the mess that was made of this movie. Otherwise, it's just one big visual gimmick that tries to have heart but instead makes a pastime of awkwardness and discomfort. And at nearly 150 minutes, it somehow manages to feel longer than the three-hour disaster The Fall of the Roman Empire.

8) Somewhere in Time (1980)
I have nothing but respect for the late Christopher Reeve. He was a "Man of Steel" off-screen as well as on, and the best true-life hero Hollywood has ever provided. The biggest mistake of his career? Accepting the male lead in this low-key, visually disorienting adaptation of a talky, incoherent Richard Matheson story in which a man falls in love with a woman decades in the past. It's absolutely hokey and unbelievable, but sadly it more closely follows the pattern of a cheesy romance than a campy one.

7) Romeo + Juliet (1996)
My opinion of Shakespeare's most famous tragedy is negative at best. But while I've never seen a direct adaptation of it I even remotely liked, Baz Luhrmann's DiCaprio/Danes travesty is by far the worst ever. Set in "Verona Beach, California" in the nineties, it features guns called "Swords", Mercutio in high heels, and... Leonardo DiCaprio (enough said). There is also too much color, and the cast acts like they're reading "Dawson's Creek" rather than acting the Bard of Avon.

6) Cabaret (1972)
Occasionally you will see a movie that will make you ask, "Why in the wide, wide universe would I ever have sat through this?" Cabaret is such a movie. Joel Grey is pretty funny as the emcee, but that lead actress (we do not speak her name) seems not only a waste of celluloid, but at times even a waste of... everything. She plays a capricious, frivolous, irritating, frustratingly nonchalant and selfish songbird who demands the world's attention and claws at the spotlight like a feral cat. That's not acting.

5) Transformers (2007)
Or: What's Wrong With 21st-Century Filmmaking. Executive-produced by once-genius Steven Spielberg and directed by the bland Michael Bay, starring the uninspired Shia LeBeouf and the meaningless Megan Fox, it updates the 1980s toy franchise, bringing every element of it into the modern time period... except the ridiculous cartoon voice of Optimus Prime. It's obviously meant to distract us with shiny CGI creations and big explosions while it kills the industry that created such masterpieces as Lawrence of Arabia, Amadeus, East of Eden, and My Fair Lady.

4) Superman Returns (2006)
Everything bad about this movie-- and that's quite a long list-- boils down to one simple fact: Brandon Routh is in no way, shape, or form a suitable replacement for Christopher Reeve. Because there is none. As public as the film franchise's humiliation was at 1987's Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, it should have stopped then forever. While it still had the genius of Reeve at its epicenter. Overlong, mindless, too elaborate and too late.

3) Twilight (2008)
Whew, speaking of mindless. Stephenie Meyer is responsible for this horridly unwelcome pop culture cash cow. As if the books weren't bad enough, they had to be adapted into this cheap, colorless, spineless film series that somehow manages to interest millions upon millions of fans in the "plight" of a criminally underdeveloped character whose sole problem in life is, "I have love problems." There is no emotion in the acting, no intelligence in the plotting, nothing likeable in any of the characters, and that voice-over narration is probably the worst single cinematic misstep since.... I can't think of anything.

2) Titanic (1997)
Ah, Leo-- you've been very bad to us. Shame on you. And you, James Cameron-- I would have expected better of you, Mr. Aliens and The Abyss. The best part of this movie is Kathy Bates... have you any idea how much it pains me to say that? At the center is a laborious and predictable romance between a rich, engaged girl and a poor boy. The sinking of the Titanic is meant merely as a backdrop, but considering the cutting-edge nature of the effects used in the sequence, it's clearly the star of the show. This movie's enduring popularity is yet another insult to the industry.

As for that tie for #1... it's really too bad to sum up concisely. It'll have to have its own post. Tune in next time for a double bill so unspeakably bad, so painfully unlikeable, so gruesomely unentertaining, that it comes after Titanic on a list of bad movies.