Where Evil Lurks, Part 2: And the Losers Are....

Here we are, dear readers. After much skimming over of lists detailing horrid films it couldn't be narrowed down any more than this. A tie between two films in the same franchise. Appropriately, movies this bad, this devious, and this painful to watch could only be about one character: the Antichrist.

When The Omen (1976) was first conceived, it was a very different movie than it became: tasteless, obvious, and heinously irresponsible. Fortunately writer David Seltzer and director Richard Donner came to focus on the power of faith as a theme rather than the existence of evil, making the original Omen film a staggering story of a man forced to come to terms with the nature of God when confronted with the ultimate challenge to the survival of goodness: the birth of Satan's son. Many Christian groups (including the Vatican) praised the film for helping to bring wayward Christians back to their various churches. But it succeeded with more than just the message: it allowed Fox to recover from a serious financial drought, and some of the profits were used to make George Lucas' most popular film, Star Wars. A sequel was guaranteed.

Sadly, neither Donner nor Seltzer returned for Damien: Omen II (1978).

Set some six or seven years after the original, Damien focuses on the title Antichrist as a whiny pubescent brat played with supreme obnoxiousness by Jonathan Scott-Taylor. It depicts his discovery of his true identity and an attempt (very similar to that in the first film in terms of story structure) to destroy him spearheaded by his wary uncle (William Holden) and (perhaps unwittingly) thwarted by his suspiciously overprotective aunt (Lee Grant). It's formulaic, in other words. It's no spoiler to tell you that Holden's character dies at the end after failing to eliminate Damien. Nor to tell you that anyone who even tries to solve the mystery of his identity meets an untimely end.

But those untimely ends represent what is majorly, glaringly wrong with the film. The original used subtle, virtually bloodless means to dispatch its victims, and the audience never saw it coming. In the sequel, however, the writers ridiculously decided to vamp up the violence and gore. One character falls several stories in an elevator and is subsequently sliced in half by a live cable from the ceiling. Another has his/her eyes picked out by ravens and is subsequently bowled over by a conveniently located, nonchalant semi truck. It's absolutely sick. Sick and unintelligent.

Perhaps worse than the gruesome deaths is the acting. Laborious, budget-busting director Mike Hodges was replaced early on by schedule and budget-friendly Don Taylor, but Taylor was obviously so concerned with finishing the picture on time that he neglected to procure passable performances from his cast-- even the great Holden is listless, lifeless and bored. Even Jerry Goldsmith's music fails, though not as spectacularly. Without a doubt, Damien is the worst sequel of all time.

Remakes, however, are another matter.

The Omen franchise survived through one more theatrical movie (infinitely better than the second), a cheesy and preposterous TV "movie," and an inexplicable NBC pilot that had nothing to do with the real Omen. When 6/6/2006 rolled around (thirty years to the day since the release of the original), Fox once more trotted out one of its most puzzlingly uneven franchises with a remake of the original film, once more written solely by David Seltzer.

Seltzer uses exactly the same plot. Gone, however, are the cheesy 70s haircuts, the subtlety, the fantastic and effective music, and any hint of originality. The deaths are bloodier and one has been completely altered, all done to cater to the moviegoing crowd of the year 2006. Liev Schreiber (a capable enough thespian) stands in the role originated by Gregory Peck and is no substitute. Julia Stiles takes over from the late, incomparable Lee Remick in the role of the mother and wife-- she was in Save the Last Dance, which speaks for itself. Mia Farrow plays the evil nanny once played brilliantly by Billie Whitelaw, and even she is terrible, as are Pete Postlethwaite, Michael Gambon, and that irritating new kid playing five-year-old son-of-sin Damien. Instead of crafting an innovative or at least useful score, as Goldsmith did, Marco Beltrami uses what sounds like modern stock music. And instead of the subtle terror of the original, the "director" uses sudden appearances by mysterious masked figures (which look like they escaped from a bad M. Night Shyamalan flick) to keep the audience on edge.

The point is, how dare they remake a classic like that?! Fortunately, their marketing ploy (6/6/06) didn't work, and the loose excuse for a film will forever stand on its own. Fortunately, we have at least one great Omen movie to look back on and preserve as an American cultural milestone. Next thing you know, they'll be remaking Star Wars.

And that concludes XC's list of the 10 worst movies of all time. Okay, 11, my mistake. If you ever get curious, you can check them out (if you haven't seen them already), but now you've been warned. Heed the omens (hee hee hee) and escape while you still can!

Footnote: The world is a joke, in case you've been following the news, or in case you haven't.