A Couple Candid Messages

Dear Mrs. Palin,

You are ruining our flipping country by your very presence! Please leaaavve and trouble someone else with your wacko views for a change! You are a hypocrite of the worst kind, you have absolutely no clue what's going on in your own country, and you are misinterpreting everyone's morbid curiosity in your demented doings to be signs of love and respect! Please go away now!


Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Your books are trash, the movies adapted from them are even worse, and they're making the world unsafe for those of us who want to tell vampire or werewolf stories in the future... from now on, anything with either of these mythological creatures will be berated as a ripoff! A ripoff of what?! Words on pages that smell like the scent of the decay of American literature! I am not even kidding! Enough already!


Dear Makers of Chia Pets,

A Chia Obama? Really?! What the frack were you thinking?!?!


Ahhh. Felt good to get that out in the open.

But a little clarification on that last one: It doesn't specifically refer to the Obama pet. It refers to everything they've ever made.

And consider that first bit a plug for Palin's new book. As in, accept it as a gift, then catapult it into the air and shoot it mid-arc. I'm sure Miss Moose Hunter 2009 will appreciate the irony.