From Vinyl to Celluloid, Please!

In recent weeks, I've found myself listening to the soundtrack to that eternally stench-ridden 1978 dud, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, a movie based on an album of the same name by the overrated Beatles. It's not much, but the music itself is pretty... not bad, even when chewed up and digested through the Robert Stigwood machine.

It really got me to thinking. Why was Sgt. Pepper such a lousy movie? It's from the same producer (Stigwood) who made two great films from successful rock albums-- Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) and Tommy (1975). Like Tommy, it uses contemporary figures from the music industry (Aerosmith, Earth Wind & Fire, Peter Frampton, and the depressing Bee Gees) as well as well-known actors (Donald Pleasence) and living legends (George Burns, for whom Las Vegas was shut down following his death). And, as I've said, the music wasn't bad. Taken without the pictures, it provides some good listening, actually.

Aha! "Taken without the pictures." That explains it. The film is tacky, overproduced, nauseatingly gaudy, dreadfully miscast... and when it comes to story, I don't think anybody gave it much thought. With Tommy and Superstar, the story was built right into the album, so there was no concern over what it should be about. Also, neither of those films had singing robots, Frankie Howerd, or a character named-- yep, you're reading this right-- Strawberry Fields.

So who decides what albums would make good movies? I think it's obvious we can't trust Stigwood anymore. So I actually came up with a few suggestions. They might not work nowadays, but it's fun to imagine what they would have been like back in the golden days.

2112 by Rush
The actual suite "2112" is about twenty minutes long. You'd need serious embellishment, or other Rush music, but it could be done. Also, it probably wouldn't work as a musical. Have the music performed by a real-life band (and don't give them a stupid name like "Future Villain Band"!), and cast great actors to deliver dialogue in between the anthems.

Cassadaga by Bright Eyes
Love them or hate them, you have to admit Bright Eyes doesn't lack intelligence (although that name is eerily reminiscent of Charlton Heston's ape-given nickname in Planet of the Apes). And the 60 minutes of music on this modern classic of theirs all fits together really nicely, almost like a full-fledged (if a tad episodic) storyline. Film it as a musical, set in the Florida town of the title-- a place filled with mediums and other psychically-inclined individuals. And use the same mysticism of production design and cinematography found in the album's artwork.

Quadrophenia by The Who
All right, so this already is a movie. A good one, actually. But for a movie based on an album by The Who, it relies too heavily on the music of other bands-- all from the mid-60s-- and, of course, it's a nonmusical. The story of Jimmy-- a rebellious young Mod who has four competing personalities in his head-- needs to be told with the same operatic narrative style that worked for Tommy. Maybe a cameo by Twisted Sister's Dee Snider, singing the "he man drag" verse of "5:15"?

Other advice for filmmakers out to succeed with these projects? Just don't do anything like Sgt. Pepper. Worst of all, don't end it with that film's lame, irritating, infuriating magic-wand ending that renders the past two hours' viewing pointless. And Bob... you might want to sit this one out.