Clarification from the Last Post

Yeah, I also like some of those movies from that blog. Mostly Doctor Zhivago. Ivanhoe is all right. Top Gun-- eh.

Part of critiquing cinema is being able to find the faults and/or absurd things about any movie, even the good ones.

The common thread running through Zhivago-- before the Revolution starts, after the various romantic difficulties have worked themselves out-- is Omar Sharif's mustache. :)

A Little Humor for the New Year

There's something I've always wanted to do. I've wanted to engage myself as a writer of those little summaries for movies on cable TV. I think I'd be fairly good at it, immodest as it may sound. I've spent so much of my life in the glow of the screen that it's had two effects on me: (1) turned me into a huge celluloid nerd and (2) given me the gift to know when a summary misses the mark.

So here's a sampling of my proposed work. I think you'll find these are more accurate than those you'll see in the actual listings.

Independence Day (1996) Will Smith gets mad and shoots some aliens.

Scarface (1983) Al Pacino gets mad and shoots everyone in sight.

Hello, Dolly! (1969) Two and a half hours of your life you'll never get back.

The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965) Ha! Fooled ya!

Ivanhoe (1952) People who talk funnily fight over some guy with a lion's heart, and presumably the ears of a bunny.

Driving Miss Daisy (1989) Morgan Freeman challenges Jessica Tandy to the sanctified "act-off."

All the President's Men (1976) A brutal indictment of '70s politics, but mostly of '70s hair.

Rocky (1976) The life story of the world's luckiest punching bag.

Alice in Wonderland (2009) Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with a rabbit.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2006) Like Alice in Wonderland with unnaturally white teeth.

Top Gun (1986) Story of the forbidden love between a man, a plane, and his wingman. And something about Kelly McGillis.

The Sound of Music (1965) The Austrian Partridge Family fight the Nazis with the power... of showstopping musical numbers!

Doctor Zhivago (1965) Omar Sharif grows a mustache... again.

The Last Airbender (2010) A once-revered filmmaker hits rock bottom after an eight-year descent.


And to everyone in my life-- especially those who are going through difficult times right now-- I just want you to understand that I honestly and irrevocably love you.

The Answer To Everything!

A brief message to the protesters who think the tumultuous personal strife suffered by the late Elizabeth Edwards-- including her death-- is all the result of God's anger over an accepting stance on same-sex marriage. And remember, these are the same folks who protest at soldiers' funerals.

Ahem. Protesters:

Is that your answer to everything? God hates gays, so He makes innocent people suffer? Is that really how you picture God? Vengeful and unflinching, inflicting pain on anyone even if they never committed the sin he's supposedly punishing?

Doesn't God love everyone? Didn't Christ on the cross-- which may be one of the most painful, humiliating experiences ever devised by man's twisted imagination-- turn his voice to heaven to ask God to forgive his torturers? Is that the kind of thing done by a god who smites anyone over any sin?

Most importantly of all: why must you add to the suffering of the already-beleaguered, people you claim have already been punished by God? If that's right, isn't punishment by God enough agony for them?

Personally, I don't believe God would have a problem with same-sex marriage. But I respect that people do have such an opinion. The thing is, most people who think that don't insist on using death and other senseless tragedy as a soap box for sending a message.

Call Me a Scrooge, But....

Why, you may ask (if you knew what I was listening to right now), am I listening to Miklos Rozsa's Sodom and Gomorrah soundtrack instead of immersing myself in Christmas music as the rest of the civilized world seems to have done?

A) Because Miklos Rozsa was one of the most phenomenal geniuses ever to inhabit the planet and even his score for that notoriously cruddy shambles of a screen spectacle is a glorious work of art, further reinforcing my belief that a Rozsa score could have improved even a modern joke like Transformers.

B) Because I'm already sick of it.

Christmas music has been slithering around the airwaves since early November, and I am burned out. After all, how many times can you hear "Rudolph" and "Frosty" and "White Christmas" and (shudder) "The Christmas Shoes" before you want to scream at the top of your lungs?

We of the Pacific Northwest are further graced (although disgraced may be more accurate) with the kind of regional hogwash that would make Giorgio Moroder cringe. Examples: "Christmas in the Northwest," a shamelessly emotional ballad celebrating the joys of living in a snowless but evergreen state, replete with an instrumental, string-dominated reprise of the chorus and a mention of God giving us a gift and wrapping it in... you guessed it, green; and a song whose title I believe is something like "Seattle's Latte Land," an irritating retread of "Winter Wonderland" that further reinforces the stereotype that all Seattleites are pretentious, coffee-guzzling elitists with an unhealthy appreciation for cutesy music.

I can actually, at times, enjoy the music of this festive season as much as the next guy. I absolutely love me some "harking" and "conspiring" by a "fire". But after a zillion not-too-different versions of the same old songs (local spoofs notwithstanding), enough is enough.

Here's a brief Christmas playlist that I've found serves as an effective antidote, at least temporarily, to the Xmas OD.

• A Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack by Vince Guaraldi-- Dominated by Guaraldi's now-iconic (but then unknown) music such as "Linus and Lucy" and the elegant, wondrous "Christmastime is Here," this soundtrack only sparingly relies on the old favorites. And old Chuck's holiday specials are so legendary now that no amount of airtime overload could rip it from its beloved place in all our hearts. The soundtrack CD is a must even for jazz haters like myself.
• The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack by Danny Elfman-- "What's This," "Kidnap the Sandy Claws," etc. Not many movies can claim to be multi-seasonal (Holiday Inn and Miracle on 34th Street are the only others that come even close in my book) and not many Christmas CDs offer boxes filled with poxes as a gift suggestion.
• Bob Rivers' Twisted Christmas Albums-- The cultural-lampoon smorgasbord that gave us such unforgettable gems as "Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear," "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire" (Melvinnnnnn!) and "The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen." Need I say more?
• "Road to Bethlehem/The Nativity" from King of Kings/"Star of Bethlehem/Adoration of the Magi" from Ben-Hur by Miklos Rozsa-- If you know me (or have read the upper spiel on this post), you saw this one or something like it coming. But not many composers get the chance to score the same scenario for two different movies. Those that do usually don't succeed like Rozsa. "Nativity" captures more of the weariness, joy, and uncertainty of Christ's birth; "Star" and "Magi" are more awed and reverent, yet they both sound vaguely similar. Certainly no one ever wrote more beautiful music for Christ than Rozsa, and if these offerings aren't enough to convince you, check out also: the King of Kings theme, the Christ theme from Ben-Hur, and "Quo Vadis Domine" from Quo Vadis.

So no, Sodom and Gomorrah isn't exactly Christmas-like. But the next time I hear "The Twelve Days of You-Know-What" I'm going to scream like a banshee who's just been kicked south of the equator.