Slow News Day in Xanderville

Do you ever think that newspaper publishers or TV news teams, when there are no real stories to report, get together and manufacture some ridiculous ones just to stave off boredom? Well, I do. And that theory has never, in my mind, been more justifiable than in recent weeks. All-star coverage goes to President Obama calling Kanye West a... well, a certain mule-like expletive? People are analyzing its "fallout" and saying they'll never forgive him again! For crying out loud, Kanye West did a stupid, idiotic, attention-mongering thing at whatever awards ceremony that was (you know the one I mean; it's all over the news). And if anyone but the President of the United States had said that about him, it would be immediately overlooked... possibly even laughed with.

That's a manufactured story if ever there was one.

Well, here's the thing: I want my turn. I don't always have something interesting to blog about, so when do I get to manufacture some stories just for laughs? Today is that day. To begin with, we'll take the same genre for $200, please.

Kanye West to Star in Remake of Major Broadway Musical
That's right-- the ill-tempered hip hop star will appear as Tony in director Kevin Federline's remake of the classic West Side Story (absolutely no pun intended). Taylor Swift will appear as Maria, and, instead of "Killer! Killer!," will pound on Tony's chest screaming, "Heckler! Heckler!" The songs "Maria," "Somewhere," and "Tonight" will be replaced with various incarnations and reprises of "Gold Digger," and "America" will now feature an 8-minute rap interlude featuring seventy cameos. On awards night in March, the picture will receive 12 nominations. Each one it doesn't win, West will personally steal the trophy from the actual winners and fly to Florida.

George Washington's Original Teeth Found
According to Washington descendant Celia Washington-McCarthy, they were "in the glass by the bed, right where he left them."

Cryptographers Discover Hidden Message on Back of Declaration of Independence
Working off a tip from National Treasure, these crack scientists have, indeed, decoded the phrase, "Just kidding! -Tom Jefferson."

Swine Flu Comes to Life
Reportedly, it manifests itself as a giant amoeba-like thing eerily reminiscent of something out of a Ray Harryhausen film. It says to the world, "Stop #*%@ing talking about me for five seconds and take some action!" Then it went back into the petri dish.

Michael Jackson's Bones to Fashion Fine China for the Uber-Rich
Wait a minute... how did a real story get mixed up in here?

Missing Al Gore Votes Found
According to his press associate Regine Ulberssen, they were "in the glass next to his bed, just where he left them."

American Idol Reaches Into Fictional World for Fifth Judge
He is none other than Dilbert's Zimbu the Monkey.

The Mentalist Creators Admit They Ripped Off Psych
In other news, pigs also flew, the ambien temperature in Hell was reported as -456 degrees F, and the writers at Entertainment Weekly also admitted they are unqualified to judge what classifies as "entertainment."

Now to the real question... why CAN'T the Mentalist creators own up to their misdeed already, for crying out loud? Next thing, they'll be saying Mission to Mars didn't steal from every good sci-fi movie of the last century!

Okay, world... slow day's over now! Either print some real stories or start selling your rags on the tabloid racks!