Guess Who Just Found Roman Polanski?

I'm in something of a good mood right now. Two and a half months ago, I placed a hold at my library for the DVD of Rosemary's Baby, the 1968 paranoia piece about the woman who may be carrying Satan's child. Well, someone kept it way past its due date, so I canceled the hold after two months of frustration. But today, here I sit in the library, at the computer, and I know that in about 25 minutes, when I sign off the internet, I can go and pick it up at the counter-- it's finally here!

This may be a little ironic, considering what's happened this week.

You may-- or may not-- be aware that its director, Roman Polanski, one of the most gory directors in history, was recently arrested at an airport in Switzerland in connection with a statutory rape case extending back through time into that rather regrettable period known as the seventies. And that there are protestors (I almost typed "protestants..." whoops!) in practically every corner of the celluloid-viewing globe demanding he be released.

Well, I ain't one of them. What he did was absolutely wrong, and not only wrong, but illegal to boot. It's right that he should be punished after thirty years in "exile."

But this is yet another example of a media frenzy over something that has long since past its importance. In interviews, the girl he broke the law with-- at Jack Nicholson's house, no less-- has said that while what he did to her was disgusting, it wasn't him, but rather the media, that destroyed her life.

And what's so objectionable about that interpretation? The media is a notorious swarm of vultures, swooping in and carrying off the carrion of human existence. Polanski had absolutely no legitimate excuse for behaving the way he did, but it was thirty years ago and most of the world has changed. Conservative columnists-- excepting, among others, Charles Krauthammer, but I've got my eye on that loon-- are already pouncing on yet another opportunity to admonish him for laying his wandering hands on an innocent young girl.

Hasn't the opportunity for such admonishment long since passed? He may have a spotty personal life, but I've seen his Macbeth and some of his other work, and I can safely say the man is a creative genius. Why can't we view creative geniuses for the work they produce instead of the shady underpinnings of their personal lives? The only time, to my mind, that such underpinning shadiness has been wholly reflected in work is in the 1960s affair between Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor... because her swooning girl-crush nearly ruined the second half of Cleopatra.

But, for those buzzards who will pounce anyway, if you must view his career in the context of his sick crime, pounce on this, and put this in context. In 1969, his (I can't remember which she was) wife or girlfriend, Sharon Tate-- who was eight+ months pregnant-- was viciously stabbed to death by members of the Manson Family. That's nowhere near an excuse for child rape, but the man has enough demons in the past without drumming up new ones through incessant, vulture-esque criticism.

Just let him answer for the crime in the way our society intended: legally, through the system of the courts. If you must boycott his films, do it out of an objection to the content therein and not the man behind the camera. And for crying out loud, never forget the first law of vulture/human coexistence.

Be overtly stupid and you become the carrion.

Now, on to the tale of the Woodhouses and that weird night with the neighbors....

Alms for the Poor!: A Story About the News

Well, The Seattle Times, the last remaining daily newspaper in Seattle, has just been diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness. If it dies, the world as we know it will probably come to a sudden screeching halt. At least in this corner of the globe.

Nowadays, people like to get all their information from the web (I sincerely hope you're not relying on blog like this one for all your news). Well, that's just not right. One big, widespread network virus and nobody will have any idea what's going on anymore. Except those of us who actually read the paper. Imagine! A convenient bundle of funky paper that gets delivered to your house every day (with subscription) and contains everything you could possibly need to know, from sports scores and celebrity blunders (and Michael Jackson's death, of course) to political and economic news! Seriously, these things exist!

A really big complaint is that people believe all newspapers have a liberal bias. If that's your concern, go watch Fox News-- it's got a conservative bias! But the fact is that no news outlet is unbiased because the news is written by human beings. And the funny thing about us humans, we have opinions. Crazy, right?

Yeah. So whether you turn to the radio, the web, the TV, or the paper, you won't be getting the whole truth unless you witness everything for yourself. And that ain't gonna happen. Don't fear the media bias: embrace it! Embrace the fact that you're smart enough to tell what's the bias and what's the truth! That, my friends, is the beautiful thing about it.

But I defend newspapers because it's a real, kinetic way to observe what's happening in the world: you can see it, feel the smoothly rough paper, and smell the weird newsprint. And while it's a pain in the insert-choice-body-part-here to wash said newsprint off your hands when you're done, it's still the way man was originally meant to get news. That's right. For hundreds of years, it's been done by paper. And while some traditions (i.e., bigotry, censorship, brutal psychological repression) should die, letting the newspaper industry die is akin to murder. Heck, we already lost the Seattle Post-Intelligencer to it!

The irony of writing this plea on the internet is not lost on me.

Slow News Day in Xanderville

Do you ever think that newspaper publishers or TV news teams, when there are no real stories to report, get together and manufacture some ridiculous ones just to stave off boredom? Well, I do. And that theory has never, in my mind, been more justifiable than in recent weeks. All-star coverage goes to President Obama calling Kanye West a... well, a certain mule-like expletive? People are analyzing its "fallout" and saying they'll never forgive him again! For crying out loud, Kanye West did a stupid, idiotic, attention-mongering thing at whatever awards ceremony that was (you know the one I mean; it's all over the news). And if anyone but the President of the United States had said that about him, it would be immediately overlooked... possibly even laughed with.

That's a manufactured story if ever there was one.

Well, here's the thing: I want my turn. I don't always have something interesting to blog about, so when do I get to manufacture some stories just for laughs? Today is that day. To begin with, we'll take the same genre for $200, please.

Kanye West to Star in Remake of Major Broadway Musical
That's right-- the ill-tempered hip hop star will appear as Tony in director Kevin Federline's remake of the classic West Side Story (absolutely no pun intended). Taylor Swift will appear as Maria, and, instead of "Killer! Killer!," will pound on Tony's chest screaming, "Heckler! Heckler!" The songs "Maria," "Somewhere," and "Tonight" will be replaced with various incarnations and reprises of "Gold Digger," and "America" will now feature an 8-minute rap interlude featuring seventy cameos. On awards night in March, the picture will receive 12 nominations. Each one it doesn't win, West will personally steal the trophy from the actual winners and fly to Florida.

George Washington's Original Teeth Found
According to Washington descendant Celia Washington-McCarthy, they were "in the glass by the bed, right where he left them."

Cryptographers Discover Hidden Message on Back of Declaration of Independence
Working off a tip from National Treasure, these crack scientists have, indeed, decoded the phrase, "Just kidding! -Tom Jefferson."

Swine Flu Comes to Life
Reportedly, it manifests itself as a giant amoeba-like thing eerily reminiscent of something out of a Ray Harryhausen film. It says to the world, "Stop #*%@ing talking about me for five seconds and take some action!" Then it went back into the petri dish.

Michael Jackson's Bones to Fashion Fine China for the Uber-Rich
Wait a minute... how did a real story get mixed up in here?

Missing Al Gore Votes Found
According to his press associate Regine Ulberssen, they were "in the glass next to his bed, just where he left them."

American Idol Reaches Into Fictional World for Fifth Judge
He is none other than Dilbert's Zimbu the Monkey.

The Mentalist Creators Admit They Ripped Off Psych
In other news, pigs also flew, the ambien temperature in Hell was reported as -456 degrees F, and the writers at Entertainment Weekly also admitted they are unqualified to judge what classifies as "entertainment."

Now to the real question... why CAN'T the Mentalist creators own up to their misdeed already, for crying out loud? Next thing, they'll be saying Mission to Mars didn't steal from every good sci-fi movie of the last century!

Okay, world... slow day's over now! Either print some real stories or start selling your rags on the tabloid racks!

Welcome to the World of Tomorrow! Xander's Film Registry, Part VI

*The 2000s*- Okay, so we haven't sent a manned mission to Jupiter yet. The Cold War is long over. And if I'm not very much mistaken, we don't all live in flying saucers and transport by teleportation. But it's still the 21st Century, baby! And the dawn decade has given us many wonderful, and not-so-wonderful, things. Since 2000, we have seen the cancellations-- and resurrections-- of Futurama, Family Guy, and Firefly/Serenity. Boy bands have died out (can I get a hallelujah?!) Not to mention America's first black President. And Al Gore is so much more popular than when he had power. Sure, this decade doesn't have the same kind of spirit that past ones have had, but it is awfully cool knowing that we survived Y2K, 2008, and the two-headed beast from beyond known as McCain/Palin. Read on to see what movies I have selected as the must-watches of the decade. Keep in mind: I'm very doubtful that anything really great will happen for the rest of the year on the big screen. Just another identical Final Destination sequel (yawn).

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)- Okay, admit it. The Odyssey was the most boring thing you've ever been forced to read, with the possible exceptions of Romeo and Juliet and Lord of the Flies. That's precisely why O Brother is such a hilarious film! Starring George Clooney as a Depression-era prisoner trying to run back home to his wife after years on a chain gang-- also trying to survive the assaulting stupidity of his two fellow prisoners-- it does what you'd think should be absolutely impossible: finds color and humor in the most colorless, humorless, banal, vanilla "epic" ever written. There is a one-eyed Bible thumper (John Goodman in one of his best performances), zillions of double-crosses, a flour-peddling governor named Menelaus "Pappy" O'Daniel, and, most hilariously, the dimwitted Delmar (he thought you was a toad!) And, as the blind prophet on the railroad promises, many wonderful things. Like a cow on the roof of a cotton house. It will always be perfect!

Titan A.E. (2000)- Something to remember: when this movie came out, the most grown-up an animated movie could ever hope to be was Prince of Egypt. So Don Bluth (a former Disney animator of such classics as Robin Hood, and in the 80s and 90s director of travesties like FernGully and The Land Before Time) decided to make a witty, PG-rated (which used to be like R for cartoons), action-packed sci-fi spectacle without any flesh-and-blood on the screen. The story of downtrodden, nearly-extinct humans looking for a home "after Earth," Titan still looks incredible, sounds fantastic, and can always bring a few chuckles to the most stoic sci-fi fans. And the message is more important than ever: at the rate we're going, we won't need an evil alien race to blow the planet to smithereens. We're doing it ourselves.

Wonder Boys (2000)- In how many movies has Michael Douglas played a hardened artistic mentor? A Chorus Line, Wonder Boys.... there are tons more, but I kinda got distracted. Wonder Boys is, as I promised, something everybody should see, and for very good reasons. It shows us how authors deal with crises, and the answer is pretty humorous. there are great performances from Tobey Maguire and Robert Downey Jr. The only bad performance is by Katie Holmes, but, surprisingly, she's got no natural talent anyway. Luckily, it doesn't stand in the way of these hilarious situations or any of the great impact of the way they're staged.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)- Hedwig, a German rock starlet who had to give up a certain part of himself to leave Communist East Berlin, is a survivor. I know you can probably find quite a few things wrong with that sentence, but don't bother. It's a classic movie, a hilarious comedy, a powerful thinker, and an intelligent pseudo-musical (I don't think it's really a musical-- only the title band does the singing). Covering every subject from child abuse to freedom to acceptance to artistic betrayal, it is by far one of the five best movies of the last ten years. Great pacing, editing, staging, cinematography, and even set/costume design. And the best part is the punk anthem/ballad "Wig in a Box." And by the way, if there were any justice in the universe, those foam Hedwig hairpieces would be a fricking collector's item by now.

Spider-Man (2002)- Truthfully, X-Men (2000) was a little better, but if it weren't for Spider-Man, the Marvel Movie Boom probably wouldn't have lasted this long, and this is still a great movie anyway. Ignoring the fact that Kirsten Dunst is nearly as annoying as Godfather III's Sofia Coppola, the Sam Raimi-helmed adaptation of one of the most recognizable Marvel characters' exploits is a great example of what a comic-book movie should be: nicely balanced between pure showy camp and serious, believable human drama. And as the sinister Green Goblin, Willem Dafoe is clearly having the time of his life. It's always so good to watch actors enjoying themselves while playing villains-- Ernst Blofeld, Dr. Evil, and now the Green Goblin. Attach at least the first sequel to this one and you have the pop entertainment event of the decade-- possibly the century.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)- If Ben-Hur's record of 11 little gold guys had to be broken (after it was humiliatingly matched by Titanic), I'm glad it was matched by the conclusion to the definitive fantasy saga of all time. Sure, people joke about the movie being boring, overly long, and emotionally overwraught... but what did you expect? The non-extended version runs 200 minutes, and for all the cheese and gush, it's worth every single one (even though there's probably, like, twenty minutes of credits). Basically, every generation has a film that defines it. But unlike Star Wars, LotR is a 110-percent satisfying one from a 100-percent excellent complete franchise.

X2 (2003)- The original X-Men introduced us to the comic book movie as we know it today. Then, Spider-Man pushed that envelope while still giving great homages to the way the genre used to be. In 2003, the first sequel to X-Men proved that movies evolve even faster than mutants. Never before had such fantastic performances been utilized for a movie of this kind, not to mention the incredible special effects and action that will cause your jaw to knock a hole in the floor. A word to the wise, about that: sit with your head forward, out over your lap. Ya know, to avoid the crushing pain.

Batman Begins (2005)- Okay, I get it, enough with the superheroes. But everything said for X2 and Spider-Man holds true for this incredible, dark action-adventure as well. Also, the thing I said about Katie Holmes in the Wonder Boys blurb. And even though The Dark Knight is considered a superior movie, it's too depressing and drags a little on. Begins will depress you a little, but even at 140 minutes it never once feels too long. And Christian Bale is a superhero worthy of Christopher Reeve. Too bad Superman Returns was nowhere near this good.

Charlie Bartlett (2007)- In 1973, a doctor prescribed Ritalin towards the beginning of The Exorcist, hoping it would help the possessed girl with what he thought was a nervous disorder. 34 years later, we knew it was doing more harm than good (and not just when you've got an ancient evil demon up in your grill), and children were still taking it-- even to this day! Charlie Bartlett, therefore, is a hilarious but often disturbing cautionary tale about the punch prescriptions pack. It also teaches us that adults aren't always right, kids aren't always behaviorally challenged morons, and there's more to every story than you could ever imagine.

Wall-E (2008)- Except for the fact that the title robot displays clips from Hello Dolly (which still makes me shudder to think of), Wall-E is the best thing to come out of the animation genre since... well, quite frankly, since Fantasia. Another thought-provoker, it works as entertainment for kids that adults can get just as much-- probably even more-- out of watching. And it is kind of cerebral, but so is the best sci-fi movie of all time (2001, of course). So really, no complaints. If only people could see it as more than a cartoon, but for what it is: a great message that, for the umpteenth time, needs to be heeded. I mean, come on. An Inconvenient Truth is more effective a sleeping pill than The Odyssey. Who'd listen to that? But Wall-E, on the other hand....

And that's it! Sixty movies, six posts, at least four movies with Charlton Heston, probably a zillion with Jerry Goldsmith music, and, unfortunately, no talking ducks from outer space or 3000-year-old mummies.

Next time, we return to serious matters.

Ya know, for at least one post.