One possible reason for the imminent and terrifying collapse of the American newspaper industry can be summed up inn three little words: "slow news day."
These are the days when scant newspapers consist primarily of stories about Boy Scouts fighting bobcats, people mounting a crusade to flavor everything with bacon, and Lindsay Lohan's drunken antics (do they think if we read enough stories about them, they'll start surprising us?) These are the days when hopeless editors struggle to find anything that will eat up the space between advertisements, which now consume the majority of most papers' interiors anyway, regardless of whether or not it's relevant, true, or obviously embellished.
Well, I for one get tired of reading these stories. The obvious solution would be to stop reading them then, right? Well, I don't anymore, but they're still there. It is quickly progressing to the point where their mere presence infuriates me like the romantic dialogue in
Attack of the Clones.
A good reporter can find stories everywhere. A bad reporter
will make a story out of
anything. That is a distinction that, to most publishers, lacks a difference, so they continuously print these meaningless "stories" because they need something to print. Well, if people are vocal enough about this now, maybe we can stop these page fillers in the future and get more people interested in reading the newspaper (I'm sure informed readers will flock in once they realize that the media has become substantive), thereby saving a failing-- and
crucial-- industry.
What follows is a list of stories I consider, in my eternal candor and opinionation (if that's a word, and I hereby declare that if it isn't already, it is now), to be extraneous fluff.
Back to Lindsay Lohan.... Anything involving her should belong solely to TMZ. I am not interested in her. She is a lousy actress, a terrible example, and a pathetic excuse for a human being. Her bad behavior is for the tabloids, not a legitimate American publication (they should even keep her out of the entertainment section-- she doesn't qualify). All celebrity news, in fact, could use a gigantic overhaul. Sensing boredom with Lohan's exploits, media figures have already begun replacing her with other Hollywood good-girls-gone-bad. It is, however, still the same formula. As such, it should be treated with the same hostility-- don't print it, folks, it's not news! One last addendum. A short while ago, I encountered a filler article (I can't remember the publication) with the headline "Burton/Taylor Divorce." It ended up being a story about a filmmaker seeking the rights to dramatize the messy tale, but that headline was just asking for trouble. Liz Taylor and Dick Burton began their unholy union in the early 1960s. They ended it not long after. Again, it's not news. It's really just sad-- and not in that good, bitten-by-an-asp kind of way.
Animal Rescues Family.... I'm sorry, but once it was used as the plot for a hundredth Disney and/or direct-to-video movie, it ceased being cute and/or entertaining. It didn't help that the Disney creatures could all either talk or play an instrument. Animal news really only has one distinction from celebrity news as discussed above: the animals are actually likeable.
William Shatner Pawns Gallbladder.... That's the next logical step after he put that kidney stone on eBay. If a celebrity is desperate enough to sell either a body part or solid former affliction on an internet retailer, it may be time to hang up the ol' Starfleet uniform. I was also much happier before I found out what Captain Bill had done. Seriously, it's much less depressing to read about global terrorism or orphans in poor communities.
Lastly:
Anything Involving a Truly Newsworthy Person/Place/Thing Combined with Elements of Those Other Stories.... So President Obama has a dog! Big flipping deal! For that matter, who cares if Lindsay Lohan gets a DUI while driving through the Vatican?
Well, I'm off the soap box now. Just please don't led the suds go to waste, America!
