Welcome to Xander Candor, where Candid Xander shares his candor with the rest of the world (oh, don't pretend you don't get it). Just so you know, my topics fit under the category, "Whatever I feel like writing about." This week's topic: Decision 2008! (you may now commence groaning and rolling your eyes)
It's fair to say this will end up being one of history's most divisive elections. There are people who would die to elect McCain and people who would die to elect Obama. I myself would very much like it if Obama was elected, but I wouldn't die for him, or anyone else.
Of the myriad reasons not to elect McCain (health risks, ill-conceived jokes at which no one laughs, and the fact that on the issues, he bobs and weaves more than a drunken Rocky Balboa), none is more crucial in the long run than his polarizing veep pick, Mrs. Sarah Palin. Mrs. Palin has been compared to various animals in the month-plus since her arrival on the ticket-- including a pit bull, a barracuda, a transsexual pig, etc.
I would compare her to a worm.
Like a worm, McCain has dangled her in front of angry Clintonites, believing (more like hoping against hope) that the fact that she has no y chromosome will be enough to put them in the White House. Quite frankly, if this happens, I will howl like a banshee for a period not to exceed five minutes when the results come in. Palin is an inexperienced, unintelligent, incomparably angry and impulsive individual whose mind is about as open as a seven-year-old paper cut. You've all heard, no doubt, about how she favors banning books (a violation of the First Amendment) and holds prayer meetings to rid people of the "scourge" (not a direct quote) of homosexuality.
Come on!
After 220 years under the present constitution, are you telling me this is the best female candidate anyone can come up with?! For crying out loud, there are Valley Girl dolls (literal pieces of plastic) who are more qualified to run our country if McCain dies in office (oh, universe forbid he should get there in the first place)!
But, if you believe any woman will do, here's a sampling of other women who are eminently more qualified to be Vice President, drawn from the ranks of music, film, and literature.
Nora Walker-Hobbs, played brilliantly by Ann-Margret in the 1975 movie Tommy. This woman, mother of a sensory-deprived pinball sensation, supported the murder of her first husband, who caught her in the act with Husband Number Two. In all fairness, she had presumed that her war-hero first husband had been killed in action. She favors a strong religious backbone for the nation (with her son, of course, as the Messiah), huge tax breaks for people who design overly elaborate clothes, and the restriction of media (demonstrated by her visionary hurling of a champagne bottle into a television set when she saw her son pleading for help on it). But wait... as a Brit, she's not qualified to be president or vice-president. But at least she doesn't support American independence!
Murbella, from the Dune series by Frank Herbert, Brian Herbert, and Kevin J. Anderson. The fact that she ensnared an awe-inspiring warrior with her feminine wiles-- and got dumped by him-- will doubtless be played down by her campaign managers, as will her constant efforts to stamp out all who disagree with her. But, she has a strong, staunch ideology on foreign affairs (death to the enemy!) and is an avid pro-lifer.
Cleopatra, played so horrendously by Elizabeth Taylor in the 1963 film that bears her name. Another potential for American political greatness wasted by the fact that she was born before European people even knew where the American continent was. Unlike Palin, she does not support closing the media-- remember how steamed she got when the Library of Alexandria burned down? However, like Palin, she relies on a crazy, idealistic, power-hungry old guy (in Cleo's case, Julius Caesar) to rocket her to political stardom, and, if you take the 1963 movie for gospel, she too has a weird mole thing that should be looked at.
Or maybe Grace Adler, Will's redheaded gal pal from Will & Grace, would be more qualified. You know what? All sarcasm aside, let's elect her! Maybe the smear tactics and massive truth-bending of the current campaign will teach us all a lesson that people of any background (or, you know, ethnicity, sex, or anything like that) can do anything... a well-deserved lesson that I shudder to understand how we can still not have learned! When the day comes when we can elect a Jewish woman to the Executive branch (we'll get both eventually, but believe me, not at the same time), we'll look back on the McCain/Palin ticket and laugh. "Ha ha! Now you actually have to be qualified to do this job!"
Oh, wait... Grace has a mole, too....
Record keeping vs Spirit Inspirations
13 years ago
